Monday, October 01, 2012

One of those days

Today is one of them.  What is "them," you ask?  *Those* days.  Those days where you think about the miracle of Shelby's transplant, but then you are reminded not everyone gets to experience that miracle.  Not that I am not grateful for Shelby's second chance at life, but where I ask "Why do some people get that chance and others don't?"  Why didn't that baby in the PICU room next to Shelby get to live?  Why didn't Haley get a transplant in time?  Today is the 7 year anniversary of the death of Haley.  A very vibrant, wonderful young life that did NOT get a transplant "in time."  She was 11.  One year older than Shelby is right now.  I have been having several of *those days* since the girls started school.  So much change - all for the better mind you - but change none-the-less.  My body, mind and emotions are replaying last year.  Panic attacks are common, especially at night.  The feeling of she-really-can't-be-doing-this-good and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Sometimes I am so wrapped in my deep feelings of gratitude for Shelby's transplant and her donor and then I whip around to thinking, but why did she get to live?  Why don't others get to live?  Why didn't Haley get THE CALL?  Right now, I just cannot help but think of all the sadness that was around me in the hospital, that I've seen the past decade with my liver friends...its just there.  Sitting in me.  I worried SO much while Shelby waited that she wasn't going to get THE CALL.  It happens.  It happens a lot.  I just pulled this info off of 
Waiting list candidates as of today 9:56pm115,822
Active waiting list candidates as of today 9:56pm73,847
Transplants January - June 201213,963
Donors January - June 20126,930

There are 41,975 people who need a transplant, but are not eligible (active) at the moment due to being too sick (probably from having to wait too long) or some other formality (paperwork).  Only 13,963 transplants have taken place this year.  Out of over 100,000 who still need ones.  This is just.  not.  right.  So, today is one of *those* days.  Probably not the update you anxiously await for on here, but the reality.  I'm keepin' it real, people.  Real for my fellow liver/transplant parents out there who might have/might be possibly feeling this way.  Hey, you're not alone!  While I am overjoyed and thankful for all the "normal," there is also the reality that the last year was really shitty.  It was.  It took a toll on us.  Grieving that which we endured will take me a while.  I can't not acknowledge it.  Shelby was sick, very sick...deathly sick.  Its real.  There, deep in me some days, and then surfaces on *those* days.     


Anonymous said...

Jenn, what a moving post. -Harriet from liverfamilies

Beth Binger-Dunaway said...


Thank you for sharing your true feelings. So many times individuals who are suffering inside don't share their true feelings. I am sure during this process you and Scott suffered a lot with depression and the question of "Why ...?". So many times we keep our true feelings to ourselves as we feel know one wants to hear them, but there are people who do. Thank you for sharing your true feelings. I continue to pray for you and your family. I never had the opportunity to have children of my own, so I cannot relate to how a mother feels when a child is sick, but I can only imagine how the past several years have made you and Scott feel. I want you to know I am here if there is anything I can ever do. May God continue to bless you all!