Stronger?

Lyrics to Stronger by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

This is my phone’s ringtone; that is, every time my phone rings I hear this song.  I put it on there when Shelby was listed – almost 5 months ago – to remind myself to hang on through this time in our lives.   BUT, it’s hard.  I know “easy” is not promised to us.  Ever.  I am struggling.  My faith isn’t going away; I’m not mad at God; but I am asking God “where is this going?”  For some things in our life it’s easy to sit back and listen for where He wants us to head; where we are to go – this is not one of those times.  It is unbearable with this.  Really.  My child - although anyone who comes to visit is shocked at how well she appears – is dependent on her life continuing by getting a liver transplant.  There is no getting better from here, only worse, without one.  Really?!?!?  “God, why are things this way?”  I know what Jeremiah 29:11 (NRSV) says “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”   Sorry folks, that doesn’t offer me much consolation because of the verse before “For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place.”  Seventy years!  See, God’s promises can take a while.  NOT good for an impatient person.  Trust me, I have improved my patience a great deal throughout my life.  God has helped me understand how to do it, but it was my choice, and I did it.  I believe God is very powerful and always there, but I do believe that we, humans, play a lot into outcomes of circumstances by our choices.

So, back to Stronger.  What if I don’t want to be stronger?  I’ve been through a lot in my life.  What does God want me to be even stronger for?  What is in His plans?  How am I to work with them?  Tough stuff.  I can’t imagine not having my faith to help me right now, but it doesn’t make things all rosy and clear-cut.  In fact, I’m probably questioning more than if I didn’t have faith.  Sometimes, my brain just wants a break.  Today is one of those days.  I’m tired of my bouncy kid having to be tied down to a bed.  I’m tired of hearing the concentrator running 24/7.  I’m tired of going to my suitcase to look for clothes.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of being exhausted, but not being able to fall asleep.  I’m tired of wanting so desperately for the phone to ring, but being scared to death that it will.  People say “how do you do it?”   I do it because Shelby is one of the great gifts I have received; because I love her with all my heart; because I’m her Mom; because all I want is good for her.

“Hand it all to God” and phrases of the such don’t quite work with my beliefs.  I do try to spend time in prayer to offer my worries/anxiety and thanks to The One who made me and it does offer me time to reflect upon my thoughts.  I hardly have this whole faith-thing figured out.  Just because I’m a PK doesn’t mean I have answers or scripture to spout off.  I am a “regular” person working through this life just like everyone else.  Trying to enjoy the time we have here, together, in our humanly bodies upon earth.  Why shouldn’t I enjoy things now?  Why do I have to wait for all the wonderful things that are promised to us in heaven?  Living life now and hoping I am doing my best towards others is my focus for now.  Getting my daughter better is my focus.  Keeping The Martin 5 going strong is my focus.

Wow.  What a lot of rambling.  That’s where my brain is right now.  This is therapeutic for me to write, so I do.  Maybe someday this will be one of those blog posts that helps someone out there with their struggles.

~From a Mommy continuing to hope for someone to be brave and strong in one of their worst moments to give my daughter the chance to continue her life.