May 12th

The biopsy date. I've asked how the IR doc is planning on going at this mass. I mean, its on the back of the liver. So, if you think of a needle used for biopsies (hallow & straight), how the heck are they going to get at this? All the way through the liver from the front? Through her rib cage in the back? I just don't know and so I've asked. Hopefully Cindy will get an answer and call me back in the next few days. Because they are taking a biopsy of a mass and not just "liver," they want her to stay in the Chicago area for the night rather than coming home. Just to be close for complications. Just in case. Like internal bleeding. I guess we'll tell the girls this weekend that the doctors need to do another test on Shelby's liver. We'll tell them that she'll have sleep medicine put in through her PICC line. Shelby will want to know more specifics and we'll tell her. "What are they going to do to me while I'm asleep?" You can't lie to a 7-year-old who will wake up having to lie on her side for 6 hours. We'll say "they're going to put a needle into your body where your liver is to take out a little, tiny piece so they can look at it under a microscope." She'll worry and be scared, but she'll know the truth and in the end, for this particular test anyway, I believe that will be best. If she asks "Why?" of course I'll sugar-coat that with a "they just need to check on your liver" type of answer. Not the truth of "well, they need to know if that thing on your liver is harmless or sinister (Dr. Superina's words)." So much to think about. So much rambling in my brain.

Tonight my Mom came and stayed with us while Scott went to class. I'm terrified to be the only adult here. Day or night. Terrified. I won't go in our basement because I'm scared. I have to sleep with the light on. I only want all of us to go from the van to the house and vice-versa. No playing outside. This "murder across the street" stuff really messes with you. I'm sitting on my couch thinking "if the shade were open, I'd be staring directly at where it happened."

I needed (yes, needed) yarn the other day. A week ago Sunday, remember in my post? I purchased this. Partially because it was on sale, partially because I just needed more yarn to keep my hands and mind busy. I started making a prayer shawl thinking I would give it to either RMH or CMH for a parent of a sick child. Then the murder happened. And I knew that this was Terri's shawl. She told me today that she just found out last weekend she was pregnant. They were so excited. She said she usually sits on the couch and waits for him to come home in the morning. Something - in her words "a God thing" - kept her from doing that that particular morning. She just couldn't get herself out of bed and ready from work. That saved her from seeing her husband get murdered or her shot. Eerie. Tomorrow she buries her husband. Unreal. I hope making this shawl will bring some healing to me and a lot of comfort to her. I can only pray.